This is the reason why I asked for your opinions in the previous post. This girl is *very* young, and needs some good advice. In this post, she flat out says that she needs some comforting and she feels alone. I am hoping that she reads some of what you have to say and uses YOUR experiences to her advantage, not only for her, but also for her child.I have to admit, when I first saw this post, I was totally pissed and I wanted to scream...
Not wanting to lash out at someone who does really seem to be a nice person, I decided to post the questions instead. She can read all about what life is going to be like for her when her baby comes and maybe some of this will help her prepare for the life-altering event that's about to happen to her. I truly hope that this post will be of some help to her and her baby. So, if you have any advice for this person, what would it be?
13 comments:
Here is what I would offer to her as advice for the husband and the appointments. We would all love for them to be a part of it, whether it's because you want to share the excitement of each visit or because you figure you're body is the one that doesn't get a break from it and you want him to get a taste. I understand that and my DH came with me as often as he could, but his job allows for that. They are flexible but when he traveled, he couldn't go and that was just how it had to be. Money to pay for our needs or him going to my appointments? No choice really, is there? She has a DH that can be there for some of them, some women don't even have the option. Whether because of tragedy, poor donor selection, job situations, or their husbands are deployed, there are women whose husbands don't meet their babies until they are several months old let alone go to the OB with them.
Since her DH appears to be in school AND working now, they need to come to some kind of understanding for when the baby comes. What they need to get him through school, which I assume means a better job, and what she needs to stay sane. If that is taking a semester off, or arranging a girls luncheon once a week, I think they need to plan something to relieve the stress. Those 1st months were completely overwhelming, especially if you have a colicky baby. It's easy to feel overwhelmed, frustrated and isolated. If she's feeling it now, it will probably be worse after the baby comes. I am lucky to get to stay home, but there are moments when I crave adult dialog. Why do you think I visit FF? She needs to find herself a network that will support her and help her.
I could be wrong but I think most women at some point go through those 'what if' scenarios. It will work out. You can't change some things and worrying about some 'what if's won't stop them from happening. Be prepared, but you can't be prepared for everything.
I don't know if that helps or makes me sound like a pretentious know it all. Like I said earlier, I wouldn't give it up for the world but it's hard. I think a good support system would really help her out.
DH rarely went to the doctor's appointments with me. Not b/c he couldn't or didn't want to, though, but b/c we really didn't see the point of both of us having to take time off work to go. I had gestational diabetes and was scheduled to induce b/c of gestational hypertension, but went into labor before that. A lot of husbands go with and a lot don't. If money is tight and you can manage by yourself, then I'd recommend he not take the time. Save if for when the baby is born. If you happen to have the car/truck at the appointment then get sent to L&D, your husband will find a way. Since your aunt is his boss, tell her she can bring him to the car so he can be with you, LOL.
Also, while there's no baby yet, he needs to focus on school and getting HIM ready for the responsibility of being the bread winner for his family. Especially since you aren't working. When the baby comes, you won't have to worry about the weekends, he'll be there to help and cut way back on working on projects.
Talk to someone about the depression. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with it. Your body is going through hell right now (it will be so worth it, though) and it's hard to keep up with it. You are not the first person to feel this way and you certainly won't be the last. There is medication that is available that is okay to take while pregnant. Some women think no meds are good while pregnant, but sometimes you have to suck it up and believe the doctors when they say it's okay. My asthma got WAY worse while I was pregnant and had to go on another daily medication. Being able to breathe was better than not taking the meds. I'm not also on a mild steroid for it as well and am nursing. It's okay.
I wish you luck and please talk to someone. Ask your doctor if there is an agency or something you can call that could take you to the doctor so you don't have to worry about transportation. Call your paster or something as well. There is help out there. *hugs*
I want to say, what this girl is feeling is normal. Hell, she has PG hormones running all over the place right now. I can tell she is worrie about labor. But, you will know when you go into larbor. When I did I was actually sitting in the doctor's waiting room while they finished paperwork for my induction. It was 2:20 p.m. I finished with the appt and left. Never said a word but I knew that I had just gone into labor. I did not even show up at the hospital until 11:00 that night.
But, it would be nice if her husband went to the appts. with her, unless there is not really a way that he can take off of work. I hope that she finds the support she needs. Sounds like she just needs someone to tell her it will be okay. {{HUGS}}
This post finally has me coming out of the woodwork and creating a Google account....
Yikes! Why in the world should DH be at every appointment? Shoot, sometimes I wonder why I even went! Wait in the waiting room past the appt time, go in to get weighted, measured, blood pressure, heartbeat, Goodbye. The whole appointment is maybe 5 minutes, after waiting so long to get in there. Don't subject your DH to that when it sounds like he needs to be making money and studying. Ultrasounds and problems, yes, ask him to be there. But don't expect him to make every appointment.
I think she should go to the appointments by herself.
It's pretty obvious that they need the money. A year from now it's not really going to matter if her husband went with her to the OB appointments or not.
She needs to stop worrying about what her aunt thinks and start thinking about what her family needs.
DRAMA - I actually have to give you some credit for leaving the FF poster's name out of your post. It always rubbed me wrong when you make fun of people but I think singling out a post is more tolerable. I also like the way you approached this subject. I didn't answer the previous post because I felt I'd be attacked if I did, now I see just how wrong I was to feel that way.
My partner came to all of my OB appt save two. We were lucky that he self-schedules, so he would just arrange his work schedule around my appts and it worked out great. For us it wasn't just about going to the appt- we often worked opposite schedules, so this gave us at least some time together (and we were usually able to grab lunch together afterwards).
However- if he wasn't able to do this, and going to my appts would mean that we would be out money because he had to miss work, he wouldn't have gone. Yes, it was nice to have him there- but if he would have missed them, it wouldn't have been the end of the world. In fact, with our next child it's unlikely he will be able to make many appts since someone has to watch dd, and I doubt a toddler would be able to behave in the waitingroom.
I definitely say that he should save that time off for when the baby's here! It will be much more valuable then.
I think that the girls dh should stay at work and make all the money he can. Going to some of the OB appts would be fine. Most importantly the ones where they hear the heartbeat for the first time or the Level II u/s. So they can both see the baby.
Other than that, there is no need for him to miss work, lose money and possible jeapordize his job for appts. The time he needs to take off is when the baby itself is actually here.
In a perfect world, we would all love for our dh to be there for every appt., still make the money, not get in trouble for taking the time off, etc. But we are not in a perfect world and sometimes we need to do things we dont want to or like to do...
My husband made it to maybe 2 of my appointments. He is in the military and was gone out to sea for most of my pregnancy. He was there at the first u/s and the level II and that is it.
There are so many military wives that have to go through their entire pregnancy by themselves and then give birth and take care of baby for the first months of life by themselves. On top of that they worry about where their husband is and if he is in danger.
This girl needs a HUGE dose of reality. Stop whining about STUPID shit and move on. Yes it is disappointing, but so is life most of the time. If you can't deal with it while you are pregnant, what makes you think it is going to be better once baby gets here? Just food for thought.
Anonymous said...
DRAMA - I actually have to give you some credit for leaving the FF poster's name out of your post. It always rubbed me wrong when you make fun of people but I think singling out a post is more tolerable. I also like the way you approached this subject. I didn't answer the previous post because I felt I'd be attacked if I did, now I see just how wrong I was to feel that way.
Anonymous - Thank you for pointing this out. It WAS my intention to approach this subject sort of delicately. After all, I don't know this girl as a person, All I know is a select few details about her. While I don't agree with some of the choices she's made, and sometimes her posts make me go through the roof, I feel a need to try and help her. She is young, and has a baby on the way. It's not about her anymore, it's about the baby. We can yell and scream about some of the immature and poor choices that she has made, but that doesn't change the fact that there is a baby coming. We should do what we can to help her and her baby, and right now, being critical is NOT going to help her, it will just cause more pain. Her baby doesn't need / deserve that.
So, If she's reading, I HOPE she is taking notes.
Unfortunately when you get pregnant at an inopportune time (if it is too young, too poor, too busy.... too whatever) you don't get to the choices you would with a planned pregnancy. Ideally she would like her DH there, sounds mostly impossible to me. That being said.... hold on to your hat this is only the beginning!
Sounds like her DH needs to work AND is in school full time, add a baby to the mix and time with DH is a thing of the past for a couple years at least.
Wonder what post pregnancy life will be like for her....
To the last poster, this WAS a planned pregnancy, much to several people's frustration. She was pregnant on the second try after "venting" about not getting pregnant the first try...to the point of insulting those of us who actually HAD TO TRY!!
I've had to bite my tongue everytime she posts something because I remember her history. She has repeatedly said the wrong thing, whined, been completely ignorant, etc, so it just kills me that this 18 year old "planned" this only to whine about their shortcomings now.
Anyway, I hope someone gives her good advice because I'm extremely biased when it comes to reading her posts.
I know who this poster is on FF, she has caused several issues and several debates on various FF posts and non-FF boards. She doesn't accept advice from anyone, she'll often report you if she doesn't like what you advised no matter how resonable it sounds. Therefore many ppl avoid replying to her post and her desire for attention. A few weeks prior she posted about not wanting a crying, "uncontrolable," time consuming infant after watching a friend's little one... then why say you're ready to have baby then? Its not like you can go to the store and pick the prefect kid out.
Now with this post she's complaining about the bread winner in the family unable to make appointments.... she has mentioned early on about having NO INSURANCE and NO MONEY, that she is on unemployment, claiming her work fired her cause she was pregnant, etc. I give praise to her DH for putting up with all her C**P. He is trying to make a better living for them and trying to get money to pay for all their needs yet she wants him to be with her 24/7 for everything. She doesn't appreciate what he is doing for their family. I think if she expressed that more appreciation for what he is doing then complaining about it ppl would be more sympathic to her situation, but she always is in a "what about me state" and needs the attention all the time.
My advice for her is:
1. Listen to the women's advice on the board, most don't want to offer her advice anymore cause they don't want to get reported... if you don't want advice don't ask for it, not everybody needs to feel sorry for you
2. Be grateful that your DH is working his A$$ off to make sure you and your child have a roof over your heads and that you can pay the medical bills, so what if he can't come to appointments.... having the money to have a child is more important then taking off two-three hours for a 5 minute appointment
3. Prior to TTC everyone talks to their DH's about the what ifs in pregnancy... it sounds like she never had a plan only a dream of what was going to happen... its never to late to make a plan for the final weeks
4. Get help for depression, professional help before the baby is born
Fertility Friend Drama said...
Anonymous said...
DRAMA - I actually have to give you some credit for leaving the FF poster's name out of your post. It always rubbed me wrong when you make fun of people but I think singling out a post is more tolerable. I also like the way you approached this subject. I didn't answer the previous post because I felt I'd be attacked if I did, now I see just how wrong I was to feel that way.
Anonymous - Thank you for pointing this out. It WAS my intention to approach this subject sort of delicately. After all, I don't know this girl as a person, All I know is a select few details about her. While I don't agree with some of the choices she's made, and sometimes her posts make me go through the roof, I feel a need to try and help her. She is young, and has a baby on the way. It's not about her anymore, it's about the baby. We can yell and scream about some of the immature and poor choices that she has made, but that doesn't change the fact that there is a baby coming. We should do what we can to help her and her baby, and right now, being critical is NOT going to help her, it will just cause more pain. Her baby doesn't need / deserve that.
So, If she's reading, I HOPE she is taking notes.
January 20, 2008 11:43 PM
I'm so happy you could see how I appreciate how you approached this topic. I agree with everything you said.
To tell the truth I would have never had a problem with this blog if you would have approached all the topics in the same manor.
Attacking posts doesn't bother me at all but attack people and I have a huge problem with it (especially when they don't know about it and can't respond). Honestly you can NEVER know anyone online (or for that fact in real life), you only know what they were willing to share.
I'm loving your anonymous feature.
God bless America!
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