My first question is directed at those who are TTC with no children yet. My second question is directed at Moms with kids already. (I have a point, I promise!)
1. Do you think life will be different when you have children? Will it stay the same or be totally different? Will you have to make sacrifices? While I'm sure you will be ecstatic to have children, what do you realistically think your life will be like? How about your relationship with your DH? How will that change, if at all? How about your roles as a parent?
2. Moms with kids - How is your life different from before you had children? Is it drastically different? Did you make some/ none / a lot of sacrifices for your family? Is life easier? Harder? How? Did your relationship with your DH change? Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work?
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I would apply to question #1 since I have no children yet. I think that our life will be a lot different once we have children and many sacrifices will need to be made, however it is something that we are ready for. I think that our lives will be a little more hectic and Dh and I may get a little more burnt out, but at least it would be for something that we want so bad. LoL.
We might not have as much “alone” time with each other, but you do what you have to do to make it work. You learn how to be a family together and how to interact with each other together regardless if your children are not around or not. It’s extremely important that your children see that love and affection.
I’m not sure if that really answered your questions or if I just went off on a tangent, but there you go! HaHa. HTH!
:::Moms with kids - How is your life different from before you had children? Is it drastically different? Did you make some/ none / a lot of sacrifices for your family? Is life easier? Harder? How? Did your relationship with your DH change? Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work?:::
My 'lil dude is only 4 months old, so this is the perspective of a newer mom :)
- I would say that yes, life is drastically different, if only for the complete shift in priorities. If I want to leave the house to even get groceries I have about a half hour of prep time (putting ridiculously large snowsuit on baby, taking it off once I realize she is in the process of pooping, putting it back on, getting all needed paraphenalia, etc.). Finding time to shower has become a challenge, and I no longer care if I am leaving the house with no makeup and baby vomit in my hair. Before, our lives centred around our individual interests...not it's hyperfocused on baby N.
- At the moment I would say I'm making some pretty big sacrifices for my family. I'm finishing my Masters, and the plan was for me to either pursue a PhD or work for a non-profit. Instead, I find myself applying for boring government jobs (Statistics Canada anyone?) because they're more consistent, pay better, and have benefits. I'm essentially selling out, but figure it's worth it.
- I would say that life is physically harder, but easier at the same time. You may get no sleep, not be able to eat breakfast until noon, and haven't had a conversation with an adult who isn't your partner for a few days- but all the fun stuff (first smiles, giggles, etc.) more than make up for it. I have a really hard time when people who have kids criticize those with IF for how much time, money, and effort they put into fertility treatments- I think the end result is 100% worth it. If they didn't have kids and couldn't get pregnant, I bet they would be singing a different tune as well.
- My relationship with my dh (in my case df) did change, but in a good way. Sure, we both get a bit sleep deprived and end up having stupid arguments over nothing- but then I see my 220lb 6'2 df laying on the ground playing with our daughter, and I realize that yep, I'm with the right person.
- And HELLS NO I didn't fall naturally into being a mom. In fact, I spent the first week of Norah's life crying, asking df if they could put her back in. I think that the more you think that you're 100% ready for it, the worse you feel when you actually have the baby and realize that it's a lot different than the image you had in your head. A lot of the things that I SWORE I would never do before I had a kid I now find myself doing- you just gotta do what you gotta do. I also think that it isn't something that comes to you naturally- there is a definite learning curve.
I fall into category #2.
"How is your life different from before you had children? Is it drastically different?"
Oh my yes! It is completely different. My answer could be GINORMOUS! lol I'll make it brief. Before children you are responsible for only yourself. After children you are responsible for the life of another human being. The weight of it is enormous at first. The extra housework/chores is enormous. But you "grow" into it. And as your children get older (which mine are 13, 15, 19), your life changes "back" somewhat. You "re-gain" some of the "freedoms of being single". But in the same respect, your responsiblity becomes even greater. It's more than just feeding and diapering. It's more than just teaching colors and numbers. It becomes teaching how to be a good person. It becomes letting go and hoping like hell that your words all these years, made their way to your child's heart and mind.
"Did you make some/ none / a lot of sacrifices for your family?"
Oh yeah. I no longer can go to the bathroom alone unless I am at work. And I no longer eat or drink something unless there is enough for me and them - or we just share a very small amount. :) Of course there were big sacrifices along the way too. Our current house was purchased in a particular school district so that the kids didn't have to change schools. This meant a way higher price tag.
"Is life easier? Harder? How?"
Both easier and harder - and it is ever changing. :) I have helpers around the house now. lol But they are expensive helpers. And they get more and more expensive each year. And my daily schedule is way more full than before. Sometimes I am running around EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I can be lazy and send someone else to get me a bottle of water. It's truly a combination of both. :)
"Did your relationship with your DH change?"
I met my DH AFTER having my kids. But yes, a relationship changes after having children. The children become the #1 priority and the amount of time you get to spend with each other (alone) dwindles. Those seem to be the big things.
"Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work?"
I had been planning on being a parent for a long time. I had been watching who I considered to be good parents and remembering what my parents did "wrong" that caused me to make the wrong decisions. I had been storing the information and figuring how to parent from even before. So, I guess I fell right into it. Most don't agree with my parenting techniques (including my mother) - but I have great kids so I must not be doing too terrible of a job. :)
I have an 8 month old daughter.
Yes, it did change.
I had to get a new job that paid more so we could pay for her medical bills ( she has a condition with her kidney)
We had to get a bigger house. (more expensive) and a bigger car.
That aside...
Life is definitely "harder" now, but i don't see it as a bad thing. Before you did what you want, when you want, where you want. I tell people "Having a child is the hardest, most rewarding thing i've done." Because your life literally, becomes revolved around your child. But i love it. Yes, babies cry a lot, and you will have nights of NO sleep, baby screaming for hours and hours... and times where you think "Wow...what did i get into. I can't do this." But those times past...and kinda become a blur.Everyday is a precious gift.
Yes my relationship with DH changed. Not so much about Kaitlyn though. About other issues, we fought way more about... i guess now, because they could affect us as a family down the road, but really didn't before we had her. Its hard to explain ;) We are good now though.
As far as the parenting roles... i think its kinda instinct. You learn as you go lol. Most things you know what to do, others you learn along the way!
Moms with kids - How is your life different from before you had children? Is it drastically different?
YES! It's drastically different, but, in a great way. You shift priorities. You have a different way of seeing things. Having a child makes you realize that the world doesn't just center on you, you're now responsible for someone else.
Did you make some/ none / a lot of sacrifices for your family?
Yeah, i was a single mom for 7yrs and i'm now a stay at home mom. a little over a year later and i'm still adjusting to not getting up and going to an outside job everyday.
Is life easier? Harder?
It's easier in some ways and harder in others. Like i said, when you're soley responsible for the needs of someone else, your needs/wants kinds of fall by the wayside. I barely have time to shower, i've got my boobs hanging out all the time-lol, i always smell like baby vomit. It's worth every single second though.
Did your relationship with your DH change?
Definately. I have more respect for him as a man b/c he really is a great father, helps me w/ our older/younger dd, helps around the house. We don't have sex but maybe once or twice a month, whereas before it was 7-10 times a week!
Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work?
Yeah, we naturally fell into our roles. It certainly helped that I had a child and he has two, so, with this dd, we were kinda BTDT.
I now have teens and was a single parent when DD was a baby so my answer will be a bit different. But yes, my life changed. She saved me. I was selfish and wild but having a baby changed that. I now had someone who depended on me and I was not going to let her down. I never regretted not being able to go out all the time or doing what I wanted. I was truely happy, happier than I ever was before. It was hard work but I loved every second of it. I would do it ten more times, if I could. (sigh)
DH & I have always had kids around since we both had kids from previous relationships so I am not sure how to answer that part.
I'm not sure where you're heading with this, so I'm hesitant to post.
Regardless of the sleepless nights, vomiting, diarrhea, sassing back, months with out sex, smelling like spit up or the mush of the day, being told I have to give my 'have a good day at school' kiss before we pull out of the garage because some one will laugh, fears about peer pressure, lack of private potty time or long hot shower and fears about drugs and sex and driving. Despite the tightness of cash flow, stretch marks and eye bags, the lack of vacations, the planning required to just go to the store, the midnight ER trips, the concern that I might never go back to school and have a career, the anxiety over pedophiles and nut jobs, watching their heart break, being amazed that everyone thinks you need to know their opinion and being surprised at the things adding to the list of reasons living in town with family is not a good thing. If I were put back in the spot I was put in 10 years ago when I started this journey, I would take every pill, give myself every shot, pee on every test, mourn every loss, still miss my memory, have my legs in stir ups while being probed with instruments obviously created by a man, roll my eyes at every ignorant comment, endure every surgery and procedure and feel every crushing blow without hesitation.
I have more lips to kiss, more hugs to give, more love to feel, more smiles to see, more laughs to share, more moments of wonder, more cheers to hoot, more pride to feel. I get to see first smiles and steps, first words and laughs, first kisses and hugs. I would have resolved to move on, probably not until I was so withered no one would want to see my legs in stir ups, but I would have ached for these babies for the rest of my life. While it is not at all what I envisioned in terms of ease, it is more then I hoped for in terms of joy. I doubt myself regularly some times on my parenting abilities and some times our marriage takes a back seat, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My hope is that anyone who reads this won't take it as I'm rubbing in what I have. I'm not, I'm saying I understand the desire and the want because I've been there and I realize the gifts I have been given.
I have a 1 year old. My life actually did not change as much as I thought it would after children. Only reason being is because of our dogs.
We got out dogs first. And life changed drastically with them. Making sure we were home to let them out and play with them, take them to obedience school, etc. We couldn't just pick up and go somewhere like we used to. We had to make sure someone would be around to let them out or pay to have them boarded for the weekend.
So when my daughter came, we were already used to being home all the time. Not a big change there.
I often do not buy myself new clothes so that I can buy new clothes or toys for her (that she doesn't need). We eat dinner earlier than we used to because she goes to bed around the time we used to eat.
Nothing ever really seems like a "sacrifice" though because it turns into something I *want* to do, not that I *have* to do, kwim?
I'm loving reading these. Flying Monkey - I think what you wrote was beautiful - I didn't take it as rubbing it in at all.
I'm in the first category and I TOTALLY think my life will change drastically with kids. Heck, it changed a lot when we got a puppy! With a child, our roles will change too. When we had a pre-marital session with our minister, he said something that I've thought about ever since. When he was talking with us about having kids, he told us that we needed to remain each other's #1 priority. We couldn't let anyone else take that spot - not jobs, not family, not even our own children. He said that it gives children a good and secure feeling to know that their parents are #1 to each other. Now, he wasn't advocating feeding DH instead of children or anything, but that has kind of stuck with me. I can only hope I'll have the opportunity to experience some of these big changes!
I'm going to make this quick. It took us 3.5 years to conceive. She is now 8.5 months old and my world. She makes decisions a lot easier b/c we can't be selfish in making them and having to deal with the consequences later. We decided I wouldn't go back to work so we're down my former income. It's been hard, but now we are actively aware of finances so we're not wasteful.
We don't remember what we did before her. How did we spend our evenings? Weekends? What was life like before? We forget and couldn't imagine life without her.
Oy...hate to be so short, but she's pretty much through with playing by herself. Sorry if I wasn't helpful.
I feel like some of you may be a bit nervous answering this post. Relax. Its not a target. I have opened up anonymous posting so you can feel more comfortable speaking your mind.
1 DD, just over 2 years old, so...
How is your life different from before you had children? Is it drastically different?
We were pretty much homebodies before this, but not COMPLETELY, so there has been some change. Just going out to dinner once in a while is an event now.
We also depend more on each other in order to make sure we've got all the bases covered, so in a sense that has made us closer than before.
Seeing my DH step up and be more amazing as a father than I could have even imagined leaves me respecting and admiring him even more. I am so proud for him when I hear friends and family remark on HOW involved, and HOW great he is with our DD.
It's kind of innocuous, but having a child seeps into every little ting you do. I swear I can't even take a shit without considering my DD! It becomes second nature, so I don't think of it too often, but when asked like this, it comes to the surface.
Also, my time that used to be mine is no longer. Not only is my time spent with DD when I would or could be doing something very "ME" oriented, but there is the family to think of, and THEY want to see her, too. So I've found a lot of MY time (the little I do have left) is spent catering to those that also love DD. I am obligated to allow them that time even if it cuts into my time. So on a Friday when I could put her to bed and spend some time watching a movie with my girlfriends, I may actually be out at my mom's sitting there bored out of my mind so that she can have time with her. Sure I love my mom, but I wouldn't choose to spend as much time with her (and commuting to and from her place!) as I have been since DD's birth.
Did you make some/ none / a lot of sacrifices for your family?
Nothing really comes to mind as a sacrifice. Am I just a ditz, or is my definition of sacrifice different thatn others?
Is life easier? Harder? How?
Life got harder because any free time I had is not spent tending to a LO. Not to say that is always a bad thing!!! But, there is time, there is a baby, and there is me spending time with the baby. There is nothing more. Like PP stated, a quick trip to pick up something at the store that used to take 10 minutes is now something that takes planning. Maybe once the diapers are gone and I don't have to carry around the one and only liquid she should be consuming (Rx from doc - my kid eats like a bird!), things will simplify. Until then, everything is planned around any possible whim she may have while we're out. I like to be prepared and seemed to get burned any time I try to wing it.
Did your relationship with your DH change?
I am tired, I am fatigued, I have lost my spunk. That affects our sex life a lot. I gained weight and I have no energy or will to lose it. Ditto on the effects since I just don't feel sexy any more.
But, I have a profound admiration for how he has picked up the slack when I am so drained! We were recently discussing the % of her care that we each take care of regularly and mutually agreed it's a pretty good split.
He works nights, so we don't see each other a lot during the week, and we used to have dates on the weekends to make up for lost time. Dates are a whole new thing with a 2 year old. ;)
Romance is virtually dead - although he did kiss me like he meant it the other night when his parents were in the next room. By the time we got to bed though, neither of us remembered what that felt like and we just went to sleep. Moments are fleeting. :(
Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work?
Oh, Jesus! Did it EVER take work! I honestly can't say I even had that momma bear instinct when she was born. DH says he loved her the second he saw her. I felt totally REAPONSIBLE for her and I'd do everything in my power to keep her safe, but it wasn't because I immediately fell in love. That came with time, I'm somewhat embarrassed to say.
OK, so I've read that is normal for some women, but I still feel like a freak admitting I didn't love my daughter the second I saw her! Maybe it was the drugs and I was so out of it? Who knows. But when the drugs wore off, I still did not feel an emotional connection. It is so hard to explain what I felt -- it's easier to describe what I did NOT feel, sadly enough.
That being said, things are different now (thank GOD!) and I can honestly say I do love her, so all that was just a phase I guess. It seemed at the time like forever though! She was sweet and cuddly, so it's not like I'd just shove a bottle in her mouth and walk away when she was done. I doubt anyone looking at me would have known how I felt. This may sound sick, but it was more like when you get a puppy. You would make sure to do everything for that new pet, but you don't LOVE that puppy the day you get it. It turns to love as time goes on, and then there comes a point where you can't imagine life without the puppy.
That is the closest (yet so incredibly flawed!) analogy I can think of on the spot. (Oh God! Am I going to take flack for this one or what???)
Anyway, as far as parenting, I think LOVE is one of the greatest things a parent can do, so that's why I emphasized that the most. I'm glad to say I've got it down now.
Also, I didn't even know how to HOLD a baby when she was born! I never held one before, so it was awkward learning that first of all. BF was difficult due to that, so that bonding thing didn't happen there. I had tubes sticking out of my inept hands, so add another 20 difficulty points onto that scoreboard. C-section? Yup! Can't rest baby on belly, so add another 20 difficulty points!
Luckily DH and I are pretty opposite, so we compensated for each other. I'm absent minded, so would leave the house without milk and he'd remind me. (God, you must all think I'm such a bad mom by now!) But, I am great at organizing and creating, so things around the house get taken care of in ways he can't even imagine. Basically, if ASKED to think of what we need or will need, I can do it, but when I walk out the door, I need him to execute that list!
I can't even imagine how long this post is going to look now that I'm done and ready to post it!!! Sorry in advance, all!
"Do you think life will be different when you have children? Will it stay the same or be totally different? Will you have to make sacrifices? While I'm sure you will be ecstatic to have children, what do you realistically think your life will be like? How about your relationship with your DH? How will that change, if at all? How about your roles as a parent?"
I am from the first group with no children. Yes, it will be very different. Things will change and someone else will come first. In a lot of ways my life will go back to how it was before DH, since I was the main care taker for my mother's other children.(daycare pickup, diapers, feeding, groceries, cooking and cleaning, giving up everything that is mine)
Realistically, our life will not change much as far as the day to day things go once we have children. Right now we live as though we do have kids. We rarely if ever go out, we have a large home, a large family car. We never do the things young, child free couples do. And when we do, we often don't have fun anyway. I guess DH and I are fuddy duddies.
I do think being a parent will be hard. I do think the parenting will come naturally for me, but not DH. After over 4 years of TTC and a few years together before that, we have grown very accustomed to it being just the two of us.
I do think becoming a mom might bring me some relief form my family. They are very needy and I never get a break.( I am the one everyone calls for everything several times a day) I think a child would give me an excuse(not that i will use my child as an excuse) to step back and work on my own( and own family's) life. And in that way, I think life could end up being less stressful once we have kids.
I think parenthood will definitely change our relationship for the better. I am all DH has. He has no roots or ties to anyone. No siblings, no cousins, no one. Our relationship changed when we got a cat, for the better, since it gave him another being to love. I would love for him to have the opportunity to have another PERSON to love. I think it would greatly enrich his life and lessen the burden on me to be his all and his everything.
As far as parenting roles between us, I don't know. I don't think we really know how that will work until we are there. The only kids we currently interact with are my Mother's kids and we usually spend the whole time disciplining. Most of my work with kids involves managing large groups of children. I do sometimes worry that I will be too overbearing and smothering to my child. I just feel like I already love them so much and if I ever get the chance to hold them, I may never let go. I worry I'll drive them nuts trying to be too involved.
I know whatever comes our way, we will make it all work just fine. We always have.
#2
Life is different than before because I think first of my son, then me. I am not AS selfish.
No sacrifices unless you consider making sure I kept a job and didn't lose it due to my bluntness or asshole attitude (as mom says)
Life is easier for me because I wake up with a kiss from my son and go to bed with one also. Nothing can take away from that.
Dh and I are just alike and can stay in the same room for hours on end and never talk. My son brought us together as a "family".
Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work? -----Yes, If he cried I figured out why. If he smiled/giggled I figured out how to make it happen again and again. It's truly Instinct I believe to be a mommy.
I am one with no children yet and yes, I know everything is going to change and I actually am looking forward to it. We had planned our life out with having 2 kids by now and I think that the anticipation of having kids at this point, but not having any, has made some things stressful in our married life. We are both waiting with open arms for a baby to enter our lives.
I fall into category #2.
"How is your life different from before you had children? Is it drastically different?"
Yes, drastically different! I've lost so much freedom and free time...you can't be selfish when you have kids. Their needs always have to come first, because they depend on you SO MUCH. Not just when they're infants and totally helpless, but every boo-boo, every cry, every demand for attention and help, their hunger and thirst and health, takes priority over what *I* want to do. Like lock myself in the bathroom and read a book in peace and quiet, or yak on the phone without dd screaming that SHE needs to talk.
"Did you make some/ none / a lot of sacrifices for your family?"
Yes, privacy in the bathroom and the tub...the kids climb in the tub with me and get my books wet. I rarely get to eat my dinner when it's hot bc I have to cut dd's food, get extra milk, get napkins, get clean forks when one lands on the floor, break up fights, and of course I serve myself last, too.
I spend a lot more per year on the kids' clothes than I do on my own. I've lost a lot of single and childless friends bc I just don't have the time to spend with them, plus I don't WANT to go and hang out in bars...what's the point? I'd rather have dinner in a restaurant so I can have hot food :) They're not thrilled about hanging out at my house and being reminded that I have kids, either. Or that I'm married and they're not. I do miss my old friends.
"Is life easier? Harder? How?"
Harder. Too much to do, waaay too little time. The house is often a mess, which makes me crazy. I HATE mess. I'll clean up the downstairs, and find that dd has destroyed her room, dragging out every toy she owns and throwing it on the floor.
"Did your relationship with your DH change?"
Yes. I feel weird when he calls me "Mom". I am not HIS mother!!!! I think he resents all the attention that I HAVE to give the kids.
"Did you naturally fall into parenting roles, or did it take some work?"
I had always wanted children desperately. DH didn't, and I sometimes have to remind him that ds, while very intelligent, is only a small child. He can't talk to him like he would a buddy. That drives me batshit. I mean that DH is sarcastic to ds. I HATE that.
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