What is this business with the 'Infertiles" vs. the "Fertiles"?? And why the hell would you refer to someone that way? Last I checked, we were ALL human beings WITH feelings. If someone had Downs Syndrome, would you refer to them that way?Hey, Downs, How are ya today?
Catch my drift?
It seems that there ARE sensitive people, rightly so, of course, and then there are people who might make a totally harmless comment, not realizing that they may have offended someone. In todays case, a woman posted about modeling, and followed up with, but what if I get pregnant and start showing? How would she persue a modeling career then?
I can see how someone who has been TTC'ing for a long time would be offended by that. On the other hand, the OP has a valid reason for concern.
So my question is, How do WE, as a community, work this out so no one gets offended?
13 comments:
Well to be honest, Drama.......Someone is always going to be offended by something. I learned along time ago that it's just natural. All this PC shit is bogus. You should not have to walk around on eggshells because you are afraid that something innocent out of your mouth will hurt someone's feelers.
I get offended but I found the perfect solution! I ignore it, it's not all about me! :)
It's impossible to not offend anyone! By their terms, I'm a "fertile" but I honestly was upset over the modeling post. I totally understood where Bri was coming from. Do I agree with how the whole situation was handled? Well, I'm still on the fence about that.
And yes, someone could be offended by my remarks here. All I can say is, oh well.
Someone will always be offended and unfortunately I don't think there's any way around it.
But as far as the modeling thing goes, there are agencies that specifically use pregnant models, so that could be an option for her.
Someone is always going to be offended. No one can help that. (sigh)
But I think the poster of that comment has it right... "think before you speak" - that means on both sides. Think of whether or not your comment may offend someone. And if you are offended, think of whether your post will help the situation or just make it worse.
There are always two ways to say everything - the nice way and the nasty way. If you try the nice way, you'll do better.
JMHO
And honestly, I think that some are just too sensitive about things. Let some of it roll off as some of it (I'm sure) is not intentional. And on the opposite side, don't be intentionally rude or insensitive. Be considerate.
I personally feel that this is always going to be a you can't please all the people all the time kind of situation. As you said we are all people with feelings and some of those feelings get offended easier than others.
I think most people try and be respectful but again until they have seen the coin from the other side they have no idea what it is like to suffer from infertility so an innocently posted comment is blown so far out of proportion and feelings get hurt, accusations fly and it is horrilbe.
To me there is no real solution. If you see a post that 'might' offend you don't open it. If there are two ways you can take a meaning of something take the positive one. Try and give someone the benefit of the doubt.
We could all try and be a bit nicer to each other, I know that sounds corny, but hey.
Well said Judy.
I think most of us can agree that the original post didn't belong on OT. I can also see where Bri's frustration was coming from. Honestly, I had a similar internal reaction, but I bit my tongue because I knew the OP was fairly new to the game and probably meant no harm. Bri claims her eye-rolling, sarcastic response was not rude, which I must disagree with. As I said, Bri was justified in her emotional reaction, but responding with sarcasm and eye-rolling...I mean, geez, she had to have known that would start up a battle. This is not a war of whose feelings are more correct, because everyone is justified to feel what they want. It's a matter of staying kind and polite without trying to pretend that we know what another person is feeling. Sometimes, we need to give the benefit of the doubt, even when our frustrations get the best of us. After all, wouldn't we want the same if we accidentally stuck our feet in our mouths?
I opened that modeling post, read it, was annoyed, rolled my eyes, and moved on.
Did I think it was insensitive? Well I certainly see how on one of my "bad days" it would have thrown me for a loop. I think it's a stupid question to post on fertility boards...do you want to be pregnant or not? You might want to decide that before you join. On the other hand, I was once naive enough to think I could "plan" all of this, so now I know to walk away...odds are she'll be pregnant before she knows it and whining about how she passed up on her modeling career. Oh well, at least I can say I have no regets, so I can't complain.
There is a little behind the scenes action on this one, and I'm going with my gut on this one -- the OP that prompted the person to write this post above probably won't think OT is her "favorite" board for long. I don't think she gets it.
As for not reading posts if you find them offensive, the one that prompted this whole thing kind of hits out of the blue. There is no warning in the subject line or in the intro (b/c the OP was oblivious) and a post about a job suddenly turned to pregnancy.
I can see that the OP can be innocent and just didn't know, but the PP above had no way of knowing until it was in her face.
That being said, there is no guideline written for newbies to see all these unwritten rules until they step it it. The newbie in question is fresh on the heels of a m/c, so I really didn't want her to feel the backlash. Now cannot be a good time for that and besides, she wouldn't be the only one hurt when all was said and done.
But, just b/c she had a chemical, I sincerely doubt that it was enough to help her understand where the heads and hearts of others are.
In a way, I hope she never does. It would be great if we could all go through life so blissfully ignorant. But, for the sake of all the other women that will be reading posts on her new "favorite" board, I hope she learns how to exercise a little more sensitivity.
I suffered through infertility and a draining of my bank account and emotional health until we finally were blessed with our son. I just had to weed through the comments and decide whether or not people were intentionally being insensitive, or if they were just a complete jackass. That wasn't just on FF, it was real-life too.
The whole "fertile vs infertile" thing drives me crazy. It's not called "INfertility Friend", so you are going to naturally have people on there that already have kids, or just don't understand what many have gone through, or are currently going through.
I can see both sides of the coin.
Well said ladies!
*applause*
BTW Drama..I like the new header at the top of the blog! Cute!
There's only one thing i have to say:
I was fertile until I joined FF...sadly to say im now infertile:(
I do get very offended when someone who's been ttc for short period post a topic of this nature,
" Ugh 6 months of ttc , when will it ever happen, so so needs a brother!
this is what i would love to say to that person:
GET real ! grow up , and be lucky it's only been 6 month's ,instead of MC's and year's under my belt, and i mean years without even becoming a mother!
enough said.
Most people are on Fertility Friend with the hopes of one day getting pregnant. That is the point of the web site. Yes? Yes. So, when a newbie joins, they are not thinking of women who've been ttc for years. They see themselves in these women. It took me a year to get pregnant with my first. When we began trying for my second it took four years three m/cs to get a pregnancy that stuck. Maybe I don't understand the torture that not being able to have children inflicts, but I do understand innocence and really feel no need to bash it or "open" their eyes to my pain. I didn't read the post tbh, but I want to remind us all that we all entered FF with the same goal: conception. It is a conception site. Yes, OT is supposed to be just that, OT, but when you are on a ttc web site, I think it is very difficult to not expect subjects concerning pregnancy and etc. to creep in. After all, you have to scroll down through all of the ttc links to get to OT.
Does anybody get what I'm saying...lord knows I'm very convoluted right now. :o)
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