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20 comments:
Not post something so obviously controversial on a GENERAL PREGNANCY CHAT board! duh!
The OP is ASKING for it!
I think that we all have our own beliefs and need to make our own decisions. We have to live with the consequences of those decisions. It's not up to me to judge someone for what they choose to do, even if I don't agree with it.
I just need to respect their decision and support their choice.
That being said, I think the poster probably shouldn't have posted that at all. It's a highly controversial issue and I'm sure she's smart enough to know it would draw attention and comments opposing what she is choosing to do. I understand that she probably desperately wants support right now but that certainly wasn't the best place to ask for it.
And I don't know what I'd do in the situation. I just hope I never have to face it.
I have no idea what I would do faced with that same situation.
That being said, that thread is out of control. On page 14 or so someone spelled out the process for a partial-birth abortion. I could have gone without that visual!
DH and I decided to not have any testing done for the genetic defects of any kind b/c we knew we wouldn't terminate under any situation. I feel for her and understand her reasoning...I just couldn't do it.
But at the same time...if you new you'd terminate if there was Downs, then why not get the tests to confirm or deny as early as possible? Why wait until 21 weeks??? That just doesn't make sense to me.
I am so disgusted on the entire post right now (all aspects of it) that I am sick to my stomach. I can hardly even think/talk about it and how I feel on it all.
We decided we weren't going to test for downs because we had no intention of terminating.
I really am saddened for her little baby but I also am not about to judge her. It's a very personal decision, just not one I would choose for myself.
-cheryl_c2
I think the OP is hurting, and in her state of grief was not clearly thinking before she posted. She later apologized, but most people ignored her apology and continued to attack her.
I see the same think happen when someone mentions selective reduction. It saddens me that people can go out of their way to hurt someone, just because they don't have the same opinions regarding a woman's choice, or in this instance, what is referred to as a "heartbreaking choice."
It's easy to be flip and judgmental, or to call someone a baby killer and post graphic (albiet incorrect) descriptions of termination. I'd love to see those people walk a mile in her shoes.
I've never been in the OP's situation, but lost my son to a lethal anomoly. I could have waited a few more weeks for him to die on his own, but chose to release him to heaven, and did so with the blessing of my priest, who baptized him after he was born.
We induced labor, but he passed away during labor, and was born sleeping. The world may have thought he was defective, but as he lay in my arms, I never saw anything so perfect as my son. I waited more than 2 years to conceive him, and would have done anything to save him if I could have.
Some women on FF have insinuated that I am a baby killer. I will never look at those women the same way again.
-JenniferP
i believe personally that if its not a deadly genetically defect then go the adoption route not inducing death route. i work with spe ed kids and dh and i denied testing cuz we feel its God's choice to choose what He blesses us with. i think she is going to have a lot of explaining and guilt within herself to deal with.
so many women on ff have tried for years to have a baby. this is not the place to post it (maybe within her due date group) but not in a area where all the ppl will definitly read.
it saddens me that i don't have the money to tell this woman to give birth to her child and i will raise it cuz no child with a chance of living should die b/c they have a disorder of any sort.
gratefulalways posted EXACTLY what I was going to say.
I would never post something so personal and controversial on a board like that. Ever.
It's a very sad situation. I'm not in her shoes, so I can't judge her. I have no idea what I would do. (Oh, besides NOT posting something like that.)
I really cant say for certain what I would or wouldnt do...though my major is special ed, and I used to work in an MHMR hospital, so maybe I can say with some degree of certainty what I would do.
I do wish that she would have talked to someone other than her friend about it. Everyone's situation is different, and I dont think it is wise to make such a decision just from the experiences of one person.
I do sincerely fear that she will regret the decision. And I hope that she gets counseling after this.
I havent read the thread on it (just what's posted here) because I dont think I could bear it, but I do agree that FF is not the best place to have posted something like that.
I cant even begin to imagine what she is going through, and I do agree that if she and her husband had known that would be their choice that they should have done the test sooner, but there is no sense in worrying about that. Too late to go back now.
I think all anyone can really do for her is pray for her and her family.
I honestly don't know what we would have done. I didn't read the thread, and I won't, but I thank God that I didn't have to walk in her shoes, bc I had both my children after 35--actually one after I was 40--and it was a very real possibility.
I think that it takes tremendous inner strength and a hugely loving and patient heart to raise a special needs child. The poster was IMO wise enough to realize this, and loves her dd enough that she didn't wish to put the burden of care upon her.
I would NEVER condemn someone for having to make such a heartbreaking, life-changing decision. As both a mother and a woman, it makes me ill that other women would viciously attack a woman who is seeking support for her pain.
It isn't FAIR to impose YOUR beliefs on someone else. I HATE seeing that on FF. We are all so very diverse. Accept that, STFU about YOUR beliefs unless specifically asked, and FF will be a better place.
I cannot believe that someone went so far as to post gory details of a PBT to someone whose heart has been torn apart, then kicked by selfish, uncaring women.
I'm sorry for the woman who is going through this, and also for the nasty creatures who felt they had to make her life even more miserable.
ITA, bad idea to post on an open board. I'm glad I DIDN'T see it. That kind of shit--self-righteous twits just spouting off about "I, I, I" instead of offering support just pisses me off.
My personal beliefs aside I find the entire thing kind of odd. The title of the post was so graphic I don't know what she thought would happen. After getting blasted on this post she went over to the Trying after Loss asking questions but leaving out the details. It kind of started all over with the debate when someone called her out but that post got locked much sooner.
Stormy didn't lock this post until 228 posts were made. She is all over issues that I personally perceive as harmless on the OT side (God forbid we talk about oral sex) but let this go on for over 24 hours. VERY TACKY.
Do you think she was a troll? I can't think of a much more inflammatory/inappropriate topic to post.
While this is a very personal decision...I do believe that this woman wants controversy. Reason being...A. She didn't have the testing done earlier. Why wait until you are 5 months pregnant to decide to have it done. B. She can't bring herself to put a child up for adoption, but she can go through a partial birth abortion? HUH...how is that fair to your child? Life or death...lets think whats better.
Sorry, but this woman gets zero sympathy from this camp.
The first night this thread posted, I went into what would be her EDD group, I found NOTHING written by this person. I'm usually pretty good about sniffing out a troll, and thought at that time she could possibly be one.
Unfortunately, by day two I got sucked in because this is something I have dealt with. I wrote a couple posts on it. I regret doing so. It was absolutely embarrassing how some of these women behaved. I understand being pro-life (I very much am), but they totally lost any credibility when they started pointing fingers and praying and posting such graphic detail. Come on, if someone was curious enough to know about Partial Birth Abortion, they would look it up themselves.
I am very disgusted with FF for allowing such a post to continue for so long.
she needs to get a 2nd and 3rd and 4th opinion before playing GOD! many many people have been told the same news,only to birth prefect babies!!
what an awful situation!
I had a very long post that said a lot of things, but just deleted the whole thing before posting it.
I've always considered myself very pro choice -- no question about a woman's rights, but every word of that deleted post sounded contrary to my legal beliefs.
I guess my heart was talking.
I'm so completely fucked up now just thinking about all this. I don't know where I stand anymore.
I'm pretty sure what I would do (or not) if I were in her shoes today, but what does that say about what I always believed before now?
I am 100% pro-choice (not to be confused with being pro-abortion, as I don't think that anyone claims to be). However, as someone who was a caregiver for a little boy with DS I did not post in that thread because I know I couldn't be supportive of her decision. I also found that the parents of children with Down's Syndrome did a better job than I could at imploring the OP to do more research into what DS is, and how their child can still be happy, healthy, and productive- not a burden.
I have a really hard time with the idea of someone terminating because their child, a child who could be very much like the little boy I worked with, isn't good enough in their eyes. Not that the child isn't wanted, or that they had a disorder that isn't compatible with life, but that they would look different and not be as smart as other children. Having the right number of chromosomes doesn't guarantee intelligence, productivity, and total health. Or that they won't at some point in the future become injured and be left handicapped. Parenting is pretty much a crap-shoot whether you have a 'normal' (and I use the term loosely) child or a child with DS- you don't really know what the future will bring, you pretty much have to take it as it comes.
That is why I didn't post. While I don't want to judge her, I also can't offer support in this situation. The whole thing just makes me incredibly sad.
I also agree to an extent that she knew what she was getting into. Instead of posting it on her DD board, or somewhere else where she may have gotten more support/understanding due to either people knowing her on a more personal level or others having to go through the same thing, she posted on a GENERAL board. It was only inevitable that it would erupt.
Gee...if Stormy spent as much time policing the preg/moms side as she did OT, threads like this wouldn't get to 14 pages without intervention.
Stormy is so obviously bias on this issue. She is obviously less concerned about any "community vision" or protecting individuals, then in acting like the fucking morality police. She is currently allowing a poster to keep a very offensive pro-life siggie, with a website address supporting such causes in plain view. If anybody wants to know what I am talking about check out the original post again and you will find it.
Don't misjudge my politics, I am anti-abortion in post cases, but I don't support people on either side pushing their politics and personal agendas. That and I despise hypocrites!
I just wanted to say that in my advanced age off ttc I know for a fact that there are certain tests that can only be done further along in your pregnancy and they are ones that detect chromosonal defects...this obviously makes termination of a pregnancy harder to do both physically and emotionally.
Maybe Stormy was on vacation. It WAS Good Friday.
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